Can a quack cure a nation of corruption?

It seems the government's days of Chakrasana aren't over. The Congress-led UPA that rushed several senior ministers to meet Ramdev at the airport only a month back is now tightening the screws on the maverick yoga exponent's businesses from pharma to media firms.

There isn't a disease the popular yoga guru has said he cannot cure, including HIV/AIDS. His extraordinary claims, often bordering on the ridiculous, have sparked protests and led health activists and civil rights campaigners to question if he is professionally qualified to dole out medicines on various ailments. But the guru has rarely backed up his claims with data.

Take for example his views on homosexuality.

Ramdev has claimed that homosexuality is a mental disease, and that mentally stable people do not become homosexuals. When the Delhi High Court decriminalized homosexuality in 2009, Ramdev said the verdict will encourage criminality and sick mentality. He was quoted in the media describing homosexuality as shameful and insulting.

Ramdev was sent a cease and desist order by the health ministry after he said that sex education in schools should be replaced by yoga education to combat the spread of HIV and AIDS.

No pills for black money?

It's surprising that the television star, who coaxed hundreds of India's semi-urban middleclass households in to following a popular brand of ancient Indian yoga, hasn't yet claimed a medicinal cure for corruption.

But let's face it, the anti-corruption protest led by Ramdev has been anything but dull. He was rudely woken up from sleep after midnight by hundreds of Delhi Police personnel at the hallowed Ramlila grounds, famous for the annual folk re-enactments of the life of Lord Ram. Ramdev tried to give the police a slip by jumping from a dais and merging into the crowd dressed up as a woman.

The government, initially seen as appeasing the popular yoga guru to prevent him from leading tens of thousands of followers in to a hunger strike to demand that the government bring back illegally expatriated money from overseas tax havens, is now investigating Ramdev's sources of income.

The yoga guru's global business is spread across three trusts with a turnover of $ 40 million every year. His book and CD business has a monthly turnover of around $ 500,000.

Ramdev's hugely popular ayurveda medicines

From capsules that enhance sexual vigour to bottled gourd juice, the Patanjali Ayurveda Limited sells a variety of products under the Divya Yoga brand. Ramdev publicly promotes his products, many of which are based on natural remedies practiced in India for thousands of years, and are actually found to be useful in curing tropical ailments and minor illnesses.

However, the yoga guru has also had his share of controversy. There have been repeated demands that his medicines must be tested by the Food and Drug Administration before marketing. There have been questions also whether Ramdev is trained to dole out medicines without a degree in medicine.

But when has controversies fazed the maverick guru? It is only a matter of time before Ramdev comes up with a cure for black money.

Cartoons Are Evil

The censor board is expected to take serious exception to the upcoming movie Delhi Belly. Not only is the name a cause for concern, it has a legenendry North Indian cuss word tweaked in such a way that it sounds more like a name rather then expletive. Many people feel this reflects the bad influence that american media is having on our culture.
I agree in parts... yes, American media has poisoned our consciousness. Yes we have been exposed to deviant concepts which were long unheard of in our shuddh culture and now all the GenX crowd wants to be as 'rad' as they can be.


Confused? How come I am supporting the prudish high handed establishment, the Big Brother, the Censor Board? Well, I am not. The Censor Board doesn't have a clue. using cuss word is not bad. Even if it is, it is not nearly as morally destructive as the other things American media has been subliminally indoctrinating into the youth of the nation.

LIKE THESE CARTOONS!!!
Let the Tribunal of the Man (read "ME") convene.

Popeye the sailor man, on the counts of:
1. Using performance enhancing substances
2. Excessive tattooing
3. Excessive self-pleasuring leading to swelling of arms
4. Forcing domestic partner to starve, and thereby opening the door to a world of sizezeroism and anorexia
I, the Man, find you guilty and sentence you to spinach rehabilitation, 20 years of prison and a ban for life from A. all competitive sports and B. approach within 50 feet of Olive Oyl.
Wile E. Coyote, on the counts of:
1. Hunting endangered species
2. Causing the fall of science by screwing with the image of ACME Industries
I, the Man, find you guilty and sentence you to life imprisonment and animal protection counseling (with Salman Khan).
Scooby Doo, on the counts of:
1. Teaching children that all ghosts/monsters can be unmasked to reveal a balding middle aged man, leaving our youth horribly under prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse
2. Glorifying a bunch of homeless kids living in a car along by a drugged out hippy with a talking dog who are addicted to Scooby Snacks (a sure metaphor for crack)
3. Painting the aforementioned van in flowery and psychedelic colours, thereby subliminally propagating the virtues of acid (the non-lab kind)
I, the Man, find you guilty and sentence you to drug rehabilitation, 1000 hrs of community service and good-taste-in-van-painting lessons.
Daffy Duck, on counts of -
1. Popularizing spitting while talking, encouraging schoolteachers to spread the love (and the saliva)
2. Hunting rabbits in duck season
3. Promoting cross dressing, fetishism, bestiality and violent pornography by appearing at least once every episode in lingerie, mostly due to explosions or gunfire
4. Not dying after being shot. Multiple times


I, the Man, find you guilty and sentence you to life imprisonment, gender confusion camp, finishing school and hell, in that order.


This is just the beginning. I'll do the rest of Cartoon Network later!!! This has to end...

IPL = Mario?

Couple of weeks back, India was treated to its largest display of wealth this year.
I'm not talking about when A. Raja's bank balance became public, I'm talking about the IPL auctions. In the cricketing world's equivalent of slave markets, film stars, businessmen and cricketers descended on Bangalore to sell and buy each other. Much has been written analyzing who got a raw deal, who was overpriced, who was sold at exactly the right price, what Saurav will do now, and so on. Since I'm the Man, I realized something. I had an epiphany.

For a cricketer, the whole IPL season is like Mario.

Yup - the most famous Italian-American plumber-turned game character ever. How, you ask? I'll tell you.

       

First, you remember how Mario gets the mushroom powerup and turns big? That's exactly what happened to a lot of cricketers couple of weeks back. If you had told anyone last year that Robin Uthappa would fetch $2.1 million, they would have thought you were at the magic mushrooms again. And Saurabh Tiwari being sold for just shy of that mark - that, my friends, is the effect of the Mario mushroom.
Second, and most important, the coins. Most Mario games are about collecting lots of big gold coins. Strangely enough, that's what the IPL is about, too. The only (minor) difference is that in the IPL, you don't have to hit blocks with your head to release coins. Everything else is exactly the same. In Mario, the coins disappear into the top of the screen. This symbolizes the transitory nature of the money earned by some cricketers in the IPL - it evaporates into thin air after being spent on drink, women and expensive apartments.
Again, in the auctions, a lot of big name veterans were left out in the cold. Ganguly, Gibbs, Lara and Gayle are still up for grabs. This again has its partner in the Mario world. Have you ever seen an elderly person playing Mario well? Have you ever seen an elderly person playing Mario at all? Of course you haven't. The reason is simple - they aren't too good at it. The Sachin Tendulkar exception just proves the rule - it's just like the inventor of Mario. He probably is the only elderly person who plays Mario well. A veteran playing IPL would probably be lost, kind of like this:

Next, the music. Both the IPL and Mario have tinny music that sounds like it was produced by a 10 year old. For 10 year olds. The music is rather catchy, though.

Fifth, the magic star which makes you invincible. There are some players who will always be part of a given IPL team. For example, Sachin, because he's god. There is also Kieron Pollard. After his 9 sixes, he could rob every house in Mumbai and still be welcomed into the team.
And these are just the obvious similarities. There are deeper threads that connect Mario and the IPL.
Sixth, at the end of one of the Mario game levels, you are apologized to, and told that the Princess is in another castle. This is a metaphor for the transitory nature of success in the IPL. A cricketer comes in for the money, the fame, the glamour. Even at the end of the season, he has to work hard over the next year to be bought next year for a decent amount. He never gets what he came in for. His princess is in another castle.
Seventh, Lalit Modi.

I'm not saying Lalit Modi was in Mario, though the big turtle at the end... No, Lalit Modi was overthrown and someone else took his place. This is like your elder brother/ sister coming into the room when you were playing Mario as a kid, pushing you aside, and starting to play.

And this takes us to the very nature of the IPL. What are the players and, indeed, the very game of cricket but pawns in the hands of the team managers? Mere money making machines. So too is Mario - he is a plumber collecting coins controlled by a person sitting at a keyboard, pressing up, down, left, right, shift and control.
Convinced?

PS: The only difference seems to be the cheerleaders. Maybe I should play Mario again and check if I missed out any skimpily clad women in the background somewhere.

New Year Resolutions

Except that I'm not making them. The world should make a few resolutions for this year, to make sure that we have a better time. And it had better not break them.


1. No more scams:

2010 saw the most scams since... well, 2009. It definitely saw some of the most audacious scams ever - with A. Raja making the whole of India feel inadequate for not having a single word for lakh crore, the team behind the Commonwealth Games making everyone think they'd wandered into Zimbabwe, where a single mattress costs lakhs of rupees, with onion prices skyrocketing (OK, this is not technically a scam) ... Everyone seemed to be making pots of money illegally in 2010, except me. And you. This must stop.


2. 1983 part 2:

There's a World Cup this year. And India might actually win it. That would be a nice resolution for 2011 to make.

3. Less holidays on Saturdays:

Every public holiday last year seemed to be on a Saturday - from Independence Day (OK, that was a Sunday) to Christmas and New Year's Day. The worst part is that 2011 will be just as bad, with all the holidays falling on Sundays.

And we all know what's happening in:


4. 2012-eve:
Since a lot of very wise people think the world will end in 2012, 2011 should resolve to be like the last wish and the last meal granted to a condemned prisoner - something special. Just wondering if world don't end in 2012, it's going to be one baby riots in hospitals across the world in the month of November.


5. Less bizarre relationship choices:

Not many men who are married to a Swedish supermodel would cheat. That's bizarre. Not too many things that Shane Warne can do, relationship-wise, will surprise anyone anymore, but Liz Hurley? That's bizarre. A headline saying: Elton John welcomes baby boy. That's bizarre. Add to that the daily dose of bizarre-ness one can find in everyone's favourite advice column in the papers, and 2011 has to do a lot to improve.

Photo Bomb

It's happened to you before. A friend/ relative to you has just been on an amazing holiday you weren't on. He/ she then proceeds to show you 2000 photos of the holiday and explain each of them in detail. All the photos are almost the same, with minimal lighting differences. You have to show interest in the photos, otherwise your friend/ relative will be pissed.

This happened to me yesterday. Since I'm the Man, I did something revolutionary that ensured that particular friend will never ever show me any photos again. Here's what I did. Since I don't have the photos (I was kind of thrown out of the house), I've redrawn them in MS Paint. Also, only the things I said are reproduced here; the answers would have to be censored.

Photo 1: Generic shot of 4 people in front of some hills

(What I said, in order)

• What a nice picture!
• I like the hills in the background.
• What makes hills blue? They are actually brown, aren't they? At what distance does a hill turn from brown to blue? Will the same thing happen to my eyes at some distance? I've always wanted blue eyes.
• The hills are not as blue as some other hills I've seen. I think the hill station you went to was a low quality one. How much did it cost to go there?
• Who is the person on the right? Why does he look sad? What's his family history? Is there a history of insanity in the family? What's his uncle's driver's name?
• I can see a face in the sky behind you, can you see it? Can't you? It's perfectly obvious.
• Which one of the four people is you?

Photo 2: Generic shot of a sunset

(What I said, in order)

• Is that an egg on blood? Oh, it's the sun! Sorry.
• Did you use all the colours in Photoshop, or only 30,000 of them?
• Why is there a line on the horizon? Who draws it? Is it an eclipse caused by a very long and thin moon? How many such moons are there?
• I've never seen such a boring sunset.
• Why aren't there any birds in your photo?
• I feel anxious looking at the photo. Why is the sunset all red? I remember when I was young sunsets were always yellow. I think it's a sign of 2012 and the end of the world. One day the sun will go down and never come back up again.

Photo 3: Generic close-up shot of a samosa

(What I said, in order)

• Is that a yellow tent? Oh, it's a close up?
• I feel hungry just looking at it - can you go down to a shop and buy samosas for me? I'll just have six to start with,
• Did you eat this samosa?
• No, nothing. It's just...
• No, really, nothing.
• OK, so it's just that I can see a small worm in the samosa. It's OK. 
• It's OK. It proves how good your photography skills are. The detail is so good that you could even capture the worm. Your camera is better than a human eye - you can't see the worm but your camera can. I can because I have very keen eyesight.
• Did you have acute stomach problems after eating the samosa? No? That's bad.
• Basically, if it didn't do anything to your stomach, it's probably a tapeworm. It'll be a foot by now. By March it'll be three feet. Isn't that cool?
• What were you saying about the photo again? Best samosas in North India? 

Photo 4: Generic close-up shot of a young, poor boy not wearing a shirt

(What I said, in order)

• So you're working in porn now?
• Oh, you were inspired by Slumdog Millionaire? OK.
• Look at his teeth. Do you think he uses toothpaste? I do, but his teeth are whiter than mine. Did you ask him his dental hygiene plan?
• Why didn't you? I want to know. Can you go back and find out? It's important.
• Oh, I just realized something.
• Nothing much, let's stop talking about this. It's silly.
• OK, then. So my theory is that he is like the Dalai Lama. The soul of Salman Khan has entered into him. That's why he isn't wearing a shirt. He is Salman Khan reborn. Soon he'll be driving on pavements...

This was when I was thrown out of the house.

This is the beginning of a revolution. I have taught you how to never be bored by photos again. 

Why oh why, Farah?

I remember the time when Main Hoon Na released. Skeptical and curious about a choreographer turning director, I was sitting at PVR Priya's with a bunch of as-crazy-as-you-get Shah Rukh Khan fans. Amidst the hooting and impromptu dancing, I had one of the best times ever in a movie hall. I came out with a spring in my step and still laughing aloud. Here was a director who spoke directly to me, shared my passion for old Hindi cinema, and cracked my kind of jokes.

And then came Om Shanti Om and I loved that one too. The jokes cracked me up again and the emotions got me all teary eyed.

So, needless to say there were lots of expectations from Tees Maar Khan. And all I am still left with after a day of watching it, is utter disbelief.

What happened to our shared sense of humour Farah? How and when did you cross the thin line and go to the other side of silly land? How did the dialogues of your movies which were so delightful turn into laboured lines of idiocy?

No, your film didn't entertain me, didn't make me laugh, didn't get me emotional and didn't do anything. It just made me gasp with disbelief that I could so dislike your movie.

No on second thoughts, there is something that touched me. Your obvious love and loyalty towards your husband Shirish Kunder.. Shirish is one lucky guy and I am one unlucky viewer.

8 Lessons to learn from: HISSS

Do you like movies that make you think and reflect on what you learnt from them?
I do. For those who missed it (about 100% of the civilized world), here is the summary of the magnum opus we know as Hisss.

1. Cancer is routinely curable. All you need is to extract a jewel from a cobra. Yes, cobras have jewels. The cobra has to be female, though. Yeah, male cobra jewels don’t cure cancer. They cure AIDS.
2. Snakes are familiar with the concept of kidnap and ransom.
3. MS Paint is the best way to make great 20th century movie graphics. Especially when it recreates already existing designs like Angelina Jolie’s poorly Photoshopped snake-woman costume from Beowulf.
4. Female cobras tracking down kidnapped snakeboyfriends are possessed by a sense of justice that makes them find and gruesomely kill men who mistreat women. Anywhere. In fact, they might spend all their time doing that, and forget about the snakeboyfriend till the end of the movie.
5. Female cobras have several superpowers: that of owning ridiculous jewellery (like Bappi Lahiri), that of changing into women (like Bobby Darling), that of not wearing clothes (like Salman Khan), that of accidentally running into evil people who need killing (like Superman) and that of making people scream (like Maria Sharapova).
6. When police find that an American has kidnapped a snake and the snake’s girlfriend is out for revenge, they raise an eyebrow, scream a bit and go about their business. Nothing ever perturbs them. They are Zen.
7. Julian Lennon composed music for the film. Now we know, John Lennon wasn’t assassinated. He shot himself in disgrace.
8. No matter who directs the movie, whether it’s a Bollywood or Hollywood movie, or what year it is, a naagin movie is guaranteed to put you to sleep in less than 5 seconds.